Donnie's Odyssey: A Not So Epic Poem

Birth

 

Setting sail

from my mother's womb

I depended

I depended and I needed

 

I was innocence embodied

I was weakness in flesh

I was simultaneously joy and burden

 

Growth

 

I 

rode the wind hard

climbed the tree in my front yard

as high as the branches grew

thick enough to stand on

 

I 

rode my bike barefoot, 

I 

drank from the hose

I

flew corner store kites, and 

 

I played with G.I. Joes 

 

MOLDED

 

Flesh. Is. God's. Clay.

And HE seemed determined to make something out of me.

 

Resistance

 

I rode my skooter to the 

toy store and lifted

a couple of Ninja Turtles

for my collection

 

then I 

 

skooted through our ghetto park

and sat on the ice-plant bank

with the new girl in the neighborhood

who replaced Corey & Nathan

 

She 

 

showed me what a girl looks like beneath her dress

and my 

7 year-old body didn't know how to interpret it

 

I think that I kissed her

'Cause that's what movie stars did

but a child that age just hasn't learned how to work it

 

As an 

adult I wonder

what was hap'ning in her home

to teach her that that's the way a

young girl should behave?

 

I 

wish I could talk with her about 

what went down but I

can't even remember her name

 

Change

 

We moved to the south side where the

only other white kids were

overbearing and over-weird

 

Holiday haters, and wrestling fanatics with

'Nam vet uncles and trailer trash step mothers

 

So I 

made friends with brown Kenny & black Jamal

who called me white boy 

and made me aware that we were different

 

We rode bikes, threw rocks at cars

killed yellow jackets with wet rags

played horse and 

listened to Chris Cross and A Lighter Shade of Brown

 

We watched the older boys play hoop

and Pretty Tony the autistic giant

got mad for some reason I can't recall

 

and if he had

remembered to check if the

pair of nines he came back with were loaded

we'd have been witnesses to murder that afternoon 

 

Puberty

 

I

developed a belly and I

developed a lip

to cut back at my class mates 'cause

J.R. high kids can be brutal

 

so I

called Alberto's mom a whore

when he called me fat boy but then he

put his money where his mouth was and almost

shattered my nose

 

I called 

Jason a nigger when he

punched me in the arm in

MS. McGill's eighth grade science class

 

but the shame for my ignorance

stung more intensely then when he

and Ryan chased me after school and beat my ass 

 

MOLDED

 

Flesh. Is. God's. Clay.

And HE seemed determined to make something out of me.

 

Resistance

 

I stood outside of my

first high school with

Kid Johnny, Tessa, and Miss K.B.

 

When K.B. asked me if I 

smoked and I lied, then I choked

on about 6 puffs of her Virginia Slim cigarette

 

So I

started to smoke every

chance that I got and I

still don't know what it is about killing yourself that's so cool

 

then we'd

hot-box, John's mom's

Oldsmobile nightly and I was

starting to feel, like I had

stopped feeling anything

 

except cool

 

and that was enough for me because

friendship was more addicting than

weed and nicotine 

 

Change

 

I started to notice where

John's life was headed

heavier drugs and

skin head mentality

 

and it 

scared me to think that we were

on the same path so I

quit everything cold turkey and started

listening in church

 

I changed my language and I

changed my walk but I was

unaware that it was

too easy

 

So although the next

3 or 4 years went fairly smoothly 

my world collapsed in my mid 20's 

when life hit me

 

Circles

 

I 

remember sitting in my car with

Old Man Bones who told me he'd

given up on God because God had

given up on him

 

so I told him that it's

God's time we're on and that he

needed to study and be patient and his

prayers would be answered then

 

A year later I was 

sitting in my car cursing

God for everything that had happened

 

I said I'm

giving up on you because you've

given up on me and the

scariest part is that

at the time I really meant it 

 

Decay

 

When my

mom called to say that she was

leaving my dad it took

everything I am 

not to drown myself in booze 

 

which is crazy 'cause I can't recall them 

ever being happy but I

thought like sea captains they'd 

be buried in their sinking ship

 

Love

 

Then I met a woman who was

so full of life that it was

hard not to live a fuller life 

just for knowing her

 

she was a

 

free thinking catholic and I an

agnostic mormon with

intentions to keep practicing and 

someday believe again and

 

neither of us would be changing anytime soon

but I couldn't help falling in love with her

 

because

everything she did and said

made me happy but

ev'ry thing I did and said made her mad

 

we would

fight and then make and then

fight and then make up 

 

but no breakup because 

we were never officially anything and 

 

fin'ly she fell for a

man with vocal chords that

god must have touched with his bare hands 

 

now they

fight and then make and then

fight and then make up 

 

but she's

happy loving him and I've moved on to 

my mother land

 

Circles

 

I came

home to an empty house my

fam'ly divided and my

home felt dif'rent though my

mother tried to make it

 

homey for holidays for

my sister and for me and

I owe so much to that woman

 

Weight

 

still life kept  stacking up

and getting  harder to carry and

I felt like my support system was almost 

non existent 

 

but my 

friends were trying to 

carry me they were 

Christ's hands and I was 

brother Lazarus raised up

 

Reckoning 

 

One night I told my mom about my anger

I said I've

given up on God 'cause God has 

given up on me 

 

and she said you

can't blame god for every

thing that happens in your

life that you don't like

and there's a lot of good too

 

but I had

heard that before and it 

didn't change how I 

felt that God didn't really 

care about me

 

Change 

 

I 

don't remember what she

said that changed me but I 

opened back up to

positive feeling as though

 

Legion was in me and now 

a group of pigs were over

drowning themselves in the bay across the way

 

Supplication 

 

I 

went to my room and I got

down on my knees and then I

prayed for what seemed like hours and hours

 

Gratitude

 

I 

thanked god for every thing that I 

had and it might stun you to 

hear the things that I was 

grateful for

 

I said I’m

Grateful for people who have

wronged me and hurt me and I’m

grateful that I saw a

loved one in jail

 

I’m

grateful for every piece of

My heart I’ve left with someone

Who hasn’t been able to

Give me their own

 

I’m

grateful for poverty, for struggling, for loneliness

I’m

grateful for weight problems and bad karma

I’m

grateful for failed missions and nights in anguish

 

I’m grateful for everything that’s made me who I am

 

 

 and the things I felt I can't 

say to you here because 

some things are just

too sacred but

 

Let's just say that though I'm

still a sinner I have

better awareness of the hand guiding my way

 

MOLDED

 

Flesh. Is. God's. Clay.

And HE still seems determined to make something out of me.