God and Me

I don't usually like to write about spiritual things. Part of me feels like a bit of a hypocrite when I do. I don't want to be perceived as preachy, or holier than though. And I know I've made enough mistakes that others have seen, that in reading this they may disregard my sincerity, I hope those who know me will overlook my mistakes in reading. The fact is I know I'm flawed, and broken. It's from these imperfections though, that most of my life lessons have been learned. I also hold the spiritual things in my life to be sacred, often too sacred for me to share them with a broad audience, such as, The Internet. However, I had an experience today that is jumping up my spine and itching to come through my finger tips.

For the past long while, I've felt dead inside. The course of my experiences and my perception of events has lead me to feel hurt, betrayed by God, and there has been a level of anger towards him that has been increasing steadily. A few months ago I became very aware of these feelings. I felt ashamed of myself, but the anger would not subside. And as these feelings grew, my desire to do good lessened. I want to be clear that I have not taken a path towards the things of this world that I've striven for a long time to avoid. My struggle has been mostly internal. Externally I think I've become more cynical, more sarcastic, and I think some would say, my light has gone out. The side effects of this change have caused more negativity, because people don't enjoy the company of darkness, I've been darker and I think that darkness has been evident to some, therefore I've had less shining people around me, and realizing this only sent me further into the dark. Trials involving my family, my relationships, my friendships etc. have weighed on me. Small miracles went unnoticed, the birth of my nephew didn't even lift me up, although recent thoughts of him, and hearing of his growth and development have brought me great joy recently.

So what does one do when they are plummeting? The fact is, each step deeper into the dungeon that my life was becoming, I would pause and say, God, I can't go any lower, I'll crumble, I'll die, and then I'd soon find out that I had no idea what low is. A girl whom I loved more than any other person in the world informed me that I was not the one for her. I thought it was my breaking point. Not even close. A series of family struggles, to personal to write here ensued soon after which caused much more heart brake than I coud imagine. Still I had further to fall. We lost nearly everything. The further and further I fell the more I began to think that everything that mattered to me in life, all of my hopes, and dreams, and righteous desires, were things I would have to learn to live without. The things that had ignited my passion and my love had become embers, barely holding on to their heat, and I had abandoned them.

The Answer to my previously posed question is, nothing. Sometimes you have to stop kicking and screaming, and stop dictating what you want, and how you think things should be, long enough for God to take over. I moved to Utah for the third time, excluding the two years I spent here as a missionary for my church. My move was sort of a last act of hope. I felt impressed to make the journey, and so I went. It has not been what I've expected. I thought my musician friends here would be how I left them, they are not. I think most of them have been on similar journeys as the one I've been on. And we haven't really been helping each other. I've been desperately missing a selection of friends from home, as well as my family. I've thought, what if I moved back to California and just found an apartment somewhere so I could still be independent, and adult. But the fact is, I know why I'm here, and the things I need to do, can only be done here at the moment. I'm definitely going to settle there at some point. But for now, my place is here.

Today I went to a Missionary Farewell, it's a church meeting where a person who has chosen to dedicate two years of their life to the service of God, and their fellow man, speaks to the congregation. The Farewell, was for a young man who I consider to be the closest thing I have to a little brother, Simon McLaughlin. I was moved by his address. If you would have asked me a few weeks ago even, if he could say something to move me, I'd have said it was impossible, I would have said, there are very few people who could say something, spiritual, or religious, at this point in my life, that would truly move me. But I think something in his innocence, and the simplicity of his message, touched my heart. I felt something from strong from God for the first time in ages. Later in the meeting, Simon's dad, his two sisters, and his brother Derek, who has been my best friend for 10 years, sang a song called draw near unto me, I was moved again, this time to tears. At first I thought I was crying because their singing reminded me of simpler times, before I fell into this state of negativity. It reminded me of my family, and my youth. I definitely think these emotions contributed to my reaction. But the I began to really listen to the words of this song, which I had heard a thousand times in my lifetime.

Draw near unto me, and I will draw near unto you. Seek me, seek and ye shall find me, ask and ye shall receive.

I felt God speaking these words directly to me. In my despair, and the dying of my spirit, I've been pulling further and further away from him, and from where I need to be. Instead of leaning on him, depending on him, I've been depending on my own logic, and my own strength, but then feeling angry at him when things don't go right for me.

The truth is, being good, and righteous, and being in line with God, doesn't mean that things are going to be perfect. The fact is the world is broken, and so are we. Sadness, cold, hunger, war etc. these things will always be a part of our existence. We will always have cause to doubt, or to be bitter or depressed. But we don't have to be. And we don't have to let it kill our souls. I'm so happy that I went today, and heard those words. I hope I can be wise enough to hold onto it, and seek out more of that light.